


The Sexiest Prank War in the History of the Universe

by space_rogue



Category: Deadpool (Comics), Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man (Comicverse), Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: (mentioned in passing), BAMF Wade Wilson, Bottom Wade Wilson, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Canon-Typical Violence, Domestic, Established Relationship, Fluff and Humor, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Laser Tag, M/M, Making Out, Mario Kart References, Oral Sex, POV Wade Wilson, Panty Kink, Prank Wars, Sassy Peter Parker, Slice of Life, some questionable stuff happens in a baskin-robbins
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-10
Updated: 2019-01-10
Packaged: 2019-10-07 12:34:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17365937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/space_rogue/pseuds/space_rogue
Summary: Wade didn't mean to start a prank war. He really didn't....just like he didn't plan to get them banned from Baskin-Robbins and explode their kitchen.But Peter had it coming [heh, pun intended].





	The Sexiest Prank War in the History of the Universe

**Author's Note:**

> Quick heads up for some REALLY quick dub-con - basically Peter starts some sexytimes without explicit permission (for shock value! ahh!) and gets said permission immediately afterwards.
> 
> Also I wouldn't say Yellow and White make appearances in this, but the [ ] are supposed to signal what Wade is directly saying to the reader or in his own head. Do with that as you will.

It started out with a kiss.

 

[How did it end up like this?]

 

[Damn. Focus, Wade]

 

[But seriously – everything was going great and fine and dandy with Petey-Pie. Lots of sex, plenty of Mexican food, tackling each other over who cheated at Mario Kart (which always led to _more_ sex, so sue Wade if he definitely cheated at Mario Kart a lot), occasionally saving the Girl Scouts or little old ladies or dumbass cats that got themselves stuck in trees because they were too stupid to realize it was easier to go _up_ than _down—]_

[Focusing.]

 

Anyway, normal relationship stuff. Good stuff. The very best stuff, one might argue.

 

And then Wade had to go and fuck it up with a kiss. Which actually happened a lot more often than Wade was willing to admit to people other than the present audience (you guys are special – I’ll let you in on all my little secrets. Well, the ones you can handle, anyway. Actually no, just the ones that are relevant to today’s plot). But he usually didn’t fuck things up with a kiss for _Peter_.

 

[All right, I’m backing up. I can tell you’re a bit lost, compadres and com-madres]

 

* * *

 

So it all started about a month ago. A Wednesday. Date night.

 

“Wade, we really don’t need to go on an _actual_ date. Let’s just sit on the couch and watch TV or something. It was a long day at the _Bugle_ anyway and I know you want to watch that Great British Baking Show holiday special—”

 

“First of all,” Wade said in his very best fake-snappish voice. He crumpled the fitted sheet he had been attempting to fold into a messy ball and threw it haphazardly into the closet. “we definitely _do_ need to go on an actual date because that is the point of date night. And second of all, it’s gonna be fun. And third of all, we need to spice up the romance. You’re 26 years old, that is much too young to be part of a boring old couple, young man. And fourth of all, we will absolutely be watching that holiday special tomorrow night, when it’s not date night.”

 

Peter rolled his eyes, but Wade couldn’t tell if it was in response to the way Wade had “folded” the sheet or to what Wade had said. Walking over to the closet, Peter pulled the rumpled ball of sheet out and attempted to re-fold it more neatly. “First of all, we run around all night wearing spandex and stopping bad guys, so I’m pretty sure we are not at risk of becoming a boring old couple.”

 

“Yeah, yeah. Point taken. What’s your ‘second of all’?”

 

“I didn’t have one. I just wanted to remind you _again_ that no matter how many times you say we need to ‘spice things up’ we are _not_ bringing a bottle of Cholula into the bedroom.”

 

Wade pulled a face at Peter. “I knowwww.” Then he mumbled under his breath, “still a timeless pun and I bet I could find something great to do with the sauce, though.”

 

“Did you realize you said that out loud? Because there is no way I’m sticking hot sauce up your ass to use as lube.”

 

“ANYWAY,” Wade half-yelled. He wasn’t great at changing topics. He knew he was a work in progress. “Date night: laser tag edition. Thoughts?”

 

Peter grinned. “That sounds awesome.” He looked down at the fitted sheet he had been trying (and failing) to wrangle into some kind of neat shape.

 

Wade beamed and jumped into Peter’s arms, forcing him to drop the sheet. “Yessssss! I knew you would love it. Let’s go right now!”

 

Laughing as Wade kissed him repeatedly on the nose like an excited puppy, Peter dropped Wade into the pile of laundry waiting to be folded. “Gotta finish doing this first, babe. Except the fitted sheet, fuck that. Throw it back in the closet.”

 

“You got it, snookums.”

 

* * *

 

[Laser tag went about how you would expect it to go, dear readers.]

 

Wade wore his costume (minus all the weaponry – partially because he’s not an idiot and partially because Peter told him not to), which unsurprisingly terrified all the kiddies. Peter obviously kept a lower profile, but that didn’t stop him from using a few of his powers (sparingly, of course) when it wasn’t too obvious.

 

Diving around an obstacle cackling like a madman, Wade fired his laser gun at what he thought would be Peter but turned out to be a pair of kids huddled together in the middle of the room. Wade stopped and looked around, trying to figure out where Peter had ended up, when he heard a familiar “pew pew pew” coming from above. He turned just in time to see his boyfriend flipping through the air with a huge grin on his face, zapping Wade relentlessly as Peter flew towards him.

 

Wade let out a ridiculous high-pitched squeal of horror. “HE KILLED ME!” he screamed, falling dramatically to the floor with a hand clutching at his heart. “THE LITTLE ACROBATIC ARACHNID KILLED ME!”

 

“Wade, keep your voice down with the spider stuff!” Peter hissed, but Wade noticed he was still smiling. Peter offered a hand down to Wade to help him to his feet, and Wade took the opportunity to pull Peter down on top of him so his boyfriend was straddling his waist.

 

“Sorry, baby boy – I’ll be more careful in the future. You’re just so distracting with those mad skillz!” Wade rubbed Peter’s thighs and leaned up for a kiss. “I’ve got about 10 seconds until my lives replenish, whatddya say to a little _sexual healing_ while I wait?”

 

Peter laughed, but leaned down so his lips were close to Wade’s neck. Wade smiled, shocked that Peter was about to comply with his lewd request, but froze when (instead of kissing him), Peter whispered in his ear, “Guess you’ve got about 9 seconds to get up and run before I zap the daylights outta you again, then.”

 

“Petey you could zap the daylights outta me any—hey! Where are you goin’?!”

 

Peter ran away laughing, his laser gun drawn, and disappeared behind an obstacle. Muttering to himself that this was _not_ how he had hoped this date would go down, Wade slowly got to his feet and followed.

 

“Here’s the thing about laser tag, it doesn’t seem that romantic. I know that, okay, I’m a romantic kinda guy. But it’s such a great date! There’s all these little dark corners you can hide in to make out, and we both get all hot and sweaty from running around, and everyone knows a little violent competition is super sexy. So if Petey wants to actually play laser tag that’s cool – I’ll sweep the floor with his cute little spider-butt, I have Special Forces training! But I just—”

 

“What did I say about the spider stuff?” a voice whispered behind Wade. He heard the telltale “pew pew” and his vest pinged, alerting him about another life lost. Wade whipped around, gun drawn and prepared to zap Peter right in his stupid smug chest, but no one was there by the time Wade turned.

 

Wade swore. A kiddie nearby squawked. “I’m gonna get you, Parker!”

 

Peter’s laughter rang through the obstacles around him. Wade stalked to a back corner of the course to wait.

 

Sure enough, after a few minutes, Spider-butt got bored of chasing the kiddies and started looking around for Wade. Wade could wait. And he could be quiet when he really wanted to be. So he waited (silently) in a dark corner until Peter appeared in front of him, moving stealthily but ignorantly. Poor Spider-butt. He didn’t have Special Forces training.

 

Wade chuckled and zapped the crap out of Peter, whose vest lit up and made a sad electronic noise to signal that Peter was out of lives.

 

“Holy crap, Wade! I forgot how sneaky you can be.”

 

“I’m the sneakiest sneak when I wanna be, baby boy.” Wade said, not bothering to keep the pride out of his voice. He popped out of the shadows and grabbed Peter, pulling his boyfriend back into the dark corner with him. “And I figure you’ve got about 10 seconds until your lives replenish, so—”

 

Wade didn’t bother finishing his sentence. Instead, he lifted his mask above his chin and leaned down to  (romantically) shove his tongue down Peter’s throat.

 

Peter moaned against Wade’s mouth, caught off guard but obviously not mad about it. Wade smiled and pulled Peter closer, turning them around so Peter was pressed against the wall. He deepened the kiss, swiping his tongue across Peter’s lower lip and finishing the motion with a quick bite, just like Peter liked it. Sure enough, Peter made a tiny _nggh_ noise and his knees buckled slightly. Wade chuckled, moving his mouth to where Peter’s jaw met his throat and alternating between soft kisses and tiny lovebites. He kept one hand braced on the wall behind Peter’s ear, caging his boyfriend against the wall, while the other hand wandered down Peter’s back and grabbed a fistful of spider-butt.

 

“Holy—” Peter started to whisper breathlessly. Wade interrupted.

 

“’Holy fucking shit, Wade you’re so sneaky and hot and probably the greatest kisser I’ve ever met not to mention what a great idea it was to do laser tag I think I might be in love with you’ yeah, yeah, heard it all before, Petey Pie.”

 

Peter glared, then growled, “Shuddup and keep kissing me.”

 

A low, rough chuckle rumbled its way out of Wade’s throat just before he complied, kissing Peter with enough enthusiasm to bump his boyfriend’s head against the wall behind. Wade began toying with the waistband of Peter’s jeans, two fingers just grazing the top of Peter’s ass and making their way around to press against his hipbones. Peter shivered and groaned again, a noise that went straight to Wade’s dick, so Wade put a thigh between Peter’s legs and used his pelvis to pin Peter against the wall. Heat and pressure built between them as Wade pressed harder, gripping Peter’s waist with one hand and massaging his hipbone with a thumb. Wade made his way back to Peter’s mouth again just as Peter’s vest buzzed, alerting them both that his lives were replenished.

 

Wade pressed Peter against the wall harder, keeping one hand on the back of Peter’s head to pull him into a fiercer kiss. He ground their hips against each other, making Peter gasp into his mouth. While he was distracted, Wade slowly pulled up his laser gun and zapped Peter’s lives away again.

 

“Are you serious, Wade?!” Peter yelped, breaking off their kiss.

 

“Almost never, but yes I just killed you again.” Wade smirked, then continued kissing Peter’s throat. “But do you want to know what the worst part about it is?” Groaning, Peter dropped his head against the wall behind him as Wade rolled his hips again. Wade dropped his voice to a whisper and got his lips very close to Peter’s ear as he said, “I didn’t even do it so we could keep making out.” With that, Wade cackled and sprinted away through the obstacles.

 

“You have GOT to be kidding me!” Peter’s angry voice faded behind Wade as he ran away, still laughing at the thought of Peter waiting alone in the corner with no lives and a boner while Wade ran away. That would teach him to stop messing with Wade.

 

* * *

 

Unfortunately for Wade, it had the opposite affect on Peter. Not in terms of laser tag. No, that date ended fairly quickly after Wade pinned Peter into a corner to make out, so they could go home and have more fun without kiddies around to watch [little perverts].

 

No, the only lesson Peter learned was how to be even more of a little shit. And that’s how the prank wars started.

 

[Finally back to the beginning. Explanatory backstory: complete. We know what started with a kiss. Now how did it end up like this?]

 

Peter, it turned out, wanted revenge for the Laser Tag Incident. Which was why, a few days later, Wade suspected nothing when Peter innocently asked if Wade wanted to play some Mario Kart.

 

“You’re on, Petey-Pie! But I get to be Princess Peach.” Wade finished seriously.

 

Peter laughed. “Yeah, I know.”

 

Wade should have suspected something was up when (instead of maintaining a respectful competitive distance, as usual) Peter snuggled right up to Wade as they settled into the couch with their controllers and waited for the game to boot up. Weird, but definitely not bad, so Wade went with it. He complained once about Peter’s gigantic fluffy Tribble hair possibly getting in the way of his vision during the race, but otherwise pressed himself against Peter’s side happily enough.

 

While they were selecting the course, Peter curled onto his side and rested his head against Wade’s thigh. Wade _definitely_ should have known something was up then. But unfortunately, Wade was a sappy oblivious idiot who still suspected nothing.

 

The race course loaded, the screen popped up, and all the racers were sitting at the start line. The countdown began, and Wade opened his mouth to start his usual trash-talking.

 

“Hope you’re ready to get wrekt, baby boy, because I am going to – oh FUCK!”

 

As soon as the countdown hit “1” Peter went in for the kill with lightning speed. Unexpectedly, “the kill” meant Peter putting his beautiful little mouth on Wade’s cock. Without even dropping his controller, Peter turned his head, used his other hand to pull Wade’s waistband down, and swallowed Wade’s entire length into his mouth, bobbing his head and hollowing his cheeks almost immediately.

 

“Petey that is just not f-f-fair!” Wade whined, his voice stuttering with the effort of staying focused. His controller had already fallen to the floor, and he tried to lean forward to grab it. Peter had other ideas, and held one of Wade’s thighs down with a touch of super-strength. Pulling his mouth off Wade’s cock with a filthy _pop_ , Peter looked up at Wade through his eyelashes, a devilish grin on his face.

 

“If you want me to stop, just say so.”

 

“God _dammit_ ,” Wade growled, letting his head fall back in defeat. “Yeah I’m never gonna tell you to stop sucking my dick, baby boy.” Peter laughed and went back to what he had been doing, adding an extra swirl of his tongue along the head of Wade’s cock occasionally.

 

As usual, Wade babbled through the bliss.

 

“But for real - I do not understand how the FUCK you are still managing to use the controller. Are you seriously winning?! How many times have you done this?! Never mind don’t answer me just HOLY SHIT yes do that with your tongue again oh my god you are so beautiful how did I get so lucky? But also I kinda hate you because you know how seriously I take Mario Kart and this is definitely a new low, dude. Not a bad low, I guess, but still _low_. And also I’m pretty sure it’s morally ambiguous at best for you to use your Spidey-powers to give your boyfriend a blowjob, but I’m not the preachy type so I’ll let that one go for ya. Also do you have super strength in your throat and/or your tongue? Because goddamn, buddy, you are an _artist_ —"

 

Trumpets sounded suddenly from the screen, announcing to the room at large that Toad (aka Peter) had won the game.

 

“You just – how did you even do that?!” Wade cried, clenching his fists in arousal, mock anger, and disbelief. Yep, all at the same time!

 

Peter pulled his mouth off Wade’s dick and smiled mischievously. “You don’t have to worry about it. I won.” He dipped between Wade’s legs and licked a slow stripe from the bottom of Wade’s cock all the way to the tip, making Wade shudder delightedly and drop his head back again. “But do you wanna know what the worst part is?”

 

Wade felt the blood drain from his face (and no, it didn’t go to his dick). “Oh no—”

 

Pulling himself into Wade’s lap so he could get closer to his ear, Peter straddled Wade’s thighs and ground their hips together as he leaned down and whispered, “I don’t even care if you finish.”

 

Wade’s legs went to jelly. “D-don’t finish the race, or--?”

 

Peter shrugged. “Don’t finish the race, or whatever else. My work here is done.”

 

“Is this some sort of sick revenge for the Laser Tag Incident?”

 

“Yep.” Without another word, Peter leapt off Wade’s lap and walked into the kitchen to make himself lunch. “Want some of that leftover Thai food, babe?”

 

Wade groaned and looked sadly at his half-hard dick. “Fine. But after we eat can we _please_ have sex? We did after the Laser Tag Incident, it’s only fair.”

 

Peter shrugged, but said, “Sure. As long as you keep recognizing that I’m the Ultimate Champion of Both Mario Kart and Giving Head, which is my rightful title.”

 

Seriously, how had Wade gotten himself into this?

 

* * *

 

Wade would be the first to admit that his plan for getting revenge for the Mario Kart Incident was… poorly executed, at best. At worst, it was a total fucking disaster.

 

And sure, he probably shouldn’t have even bothered getting revenge in the first place. Since they were even after the Mario Kart Incident. And sure, Wade had a tendency to go _a little_ over the top sometimes, and he wasn’t _always_ the best judge of what things were considered socially appropriate.

 

But Peter had it coming.

 

[I’m actually not gonna go into detail about happened with this one. It’s too embarrassing. Let’s just say there’s a pretty good reason for why Deadpool and Spider-Man are both banned from Baskin-Robbins and it involves some unsavory situations regarding whipped cream, a comically large gummy penis, a stuffed unicorn, and a certain song by Warrant]

 

[Trust me, it’s better if you don’t know the details. But if you’re genuinely curious, feel free to ask the manager at the Baskin-Robbins on the corner of 1st and East 66th – her name is Tammy and she’s a pretty cool lady after she’s had a few tequila shots]

 

* * *

 

 

So the sexiest prank war in the history of the universe continued. Wade would send Peter nudes at work unexpectedly, Peter would silently rest his dick on Wade’s shoulder while Wade was cleaning his gun. And so on. And so on.

 

Peter changed Wade’s ringtone to a recording of himself moaning Wade’s name sinfully.

 

Wade stuffed a gigantic purple dildo into Peter’s box of Cheerios.

 

Peter webbed Wade to the ceiling in the middle of foreplay.

 

Wade threatened to explode his own dick off so Peter would have to wait for it to grow back before they could have sex (Wade gave up on that one almost immediately when he saw the scathing look Peter sent him for even suggesting it).

 

Peter somehow managed to find some lacy Deadpool panties and started casually wearing them around the house while he cleaned.

 

Wade did the same with some tastefully skimpy Spider-Man panties.

 

It continued like that for a while, until the day Peter called the whole thing off.

 

“Wade, have you ever thought about how much more sex we could be having if we weren’t wasting time on those pranks?”

 

That was the end of the prank wars.

 

[Also -- Wade did accidentally blow up half their kitchen while he was trying to make a sexy craft he fondly referred to as “Cherry Poppin’ Buttplugs” – Peter walked into the sticky, burning mess and hoarsely proclaimed he’d never put anything “poppin’” up anyone’s butt anyway, so why did Wade have to explode their microwave?! The pranks were going too far this time]

 

[Wade asked if they could try The Cholula Lube Experiment again to make him feel better. Jury’s still out on that one, according to Peter]

 

[ _Someday,_ though]

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading - freakin' love Spideypool, especially when they're being goofy horny nerds. This is my first time actually writing Spideypool so any and all comments/kudos are very much appreciated & will inspire me to write more ♥


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